Living with fear in your mind. Part 1

I have not written a blog post for a while and over the next few blog posts you will realise why and I will take you on my journey over the past few months as well as a few years back to give you the bigger picture.

So firstly, let’s throwback to 20 years ago. It’s 1999 and I have a daughter of six months old. We are living in a 2 bedroom maisonette, our first home together, that we bought when I was pregnant and moved into in May 1998. Our daughter was born in September. One Saturday, I had a really bad headache, a headache like I’ve never had in my life. I thought if I go to bed early, when I wake up, it will be gone. I woke up on Sunday morning and it had. Great. Thought nothing more of it. Monday afternoon and we are about to take my car to my uncle’s garage to get something on it fixed. I tell my husband, I am just going to have a quick bath before we go.

Our bathroom door never had a lock on it since we moved in and never really felt the need for it. My hubby would often come in for a chat while I took a bath and vice versa. This particular day though, was not like any other. I started to have a seizure in the bath! If he had not been there, I would have drowned and that would have been the end of me…however he held me and let the water go down the plug hole.

I was taken to hospital as he’d called an ambulance. They did a few checks like ‘what day is it?’, ‘who’s the prime minister?’ That kind of thing and said ‘everyone has at least one seizure in their life’ and sent me home.

Sadly, not long after, I had another seizure and one in the actual reception of A&E. They kept me in…I was there having numerous scans and tests, including a lumber puncture. The seizures began to become more frequent. I was moved to the National hospital in London for more tests and more scans. Seizures became 2-3 minutes apart and they wanted to put me into a coma. My hubby said he would think about and discuss it with my mum etc. He didn’t want to let them do it.

That evening they tried a new drug on me, it’s called Phenobarbital and is apparently the cheapest drug available. It completely changed me and began controlling the seizures!! I had a blood clot on the brain which was causing the seizures. My hubby said when the nurse came back to work that morning she said she was scared to look round the corner to my bed as she didn’t think I’d make it through the night!!  My poor family are the ones who suffered the most as I was ‘out of it’ most of time!

I am on medication for life but have been seizure free for 9 years roughly.  Of course I live with it at the back of my mind as you never know when you could have one , but I try and live my life as normal and continue to always do so.  I do not let it rule my life.  I am grateful for each day.

I hope I have not bored you all too much and my next post will be fast forward 20 years to 2019 and what a year I’ve had so far.

Is social media really social or just making social anxiety worse?

This is a question I have had in my mind for a while now.

As the mother of a teenage daughter suffering with social anxiety I have found myself hating social media and what it has become these days for young girls especially.

Yes, we all use ‘social media’ in some form or another and has become part of our lives whether we like it or not but does it have to be so cruel?!

First of all it began with Facebook where you became ‘friends’ with people you knew at least…now you can have anyone from anywhere in the world see your personal photos on Instagram and comment and like them as well…and on Twitter can give you’re opinion on just about anything you want to…sometimes those comments may be nice, but a lot of the time, putting these pictures and comments opens you up to getting abuse from total strangers (not that it’s ok from those who aren’t)…this is where the problem lies. Opinions are given on your looks, arguments and debates started regarding what you’ve said on Twitter etc etc … those that are famous get it more, everyone thinks because they are public figures, they have a right to pass judgement.

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Now I see how it effects people myself when I hear my daughter speak. She is never happy with how she looks although she’s beautiful. They all try and aspire to look like these air brushed pictures they see everywhere. THEY ARE NOT REAL. That’s not how they look when they wake up in the morning!!

I think ‘social media’ is actually alienising people from each other as this is the only form of conversation people seem to know now. By likes and comments. No one wants to pick up the phone and chat to their friends or see their friends, so can we really call it SOCIAL media??

love yourself

S

x

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