Living with fear – Part 2

So I have not written for a while now and after my last post, I had my operation to remove a tumour from my breast.

I found a lump in my right breast in January last year and was on a bit of a roller coaster ride until around the end of April when finally had it removed. Luckily it was not cancerous but they thought would be best to remove it.

I had numerous biopsies first however and the excruciating waiting time in between those biopsies.  The not knowing one way or another for weeks on end was incredibly frightening not just for  me but also for my family.  The sleepless nights, the thinking about your family all the time and trying not to think the worst but cannot help it.  Anything and EVERYTHING makes you emotional.  Good days and very bad days… the days where you just burst out crying for no reason.

This ‘in limbo’ stage is quite hard to deal with and there seems to be that not a lot of people really talk about this stage and also having still had a lumpectomy although was benign, could not see much on it.

However, all that is behind us now.  Another fear though that will stay with me although I don’t want to think about it.  I am a bit paranoid about every little thing you feel around the breasts.  Onset of menopause isn’t helping…now that’s another story!!!  HAHA.  It just makes you appreciate every single day even more though and all you have and all that is around you.

That was all to add to part 2 as I know it could have been worse and others do have it worse.  Everything life has to throw at us makes us stronger. Just was a quick one as I had not written a Part 2 for so long…



Living with fear in your mind. Part 1

I have not written a blog post for a while and over the next few blog posts you will realise why and I will take you on my journey over the past few months as well as a few years back to give you the bigger picture.

So firstly, let’s throwback to 20 years ago. It’s 1999 and I have a daughter of six months old. We are living in a 2 bedroom maisonette, our first home together, that we bought when I was pregnant and moved into in May 1998. Our daughter was born in September. One Saturday, I had a really bad headache, a headache like I’ve never had in my life. I thought if I go to bed early, when I wake up, it will be gone. I woke up on Sunday morning and it had. Great. Thought nothing more of it. Monday afternoon and we are about to take my car to my uncle’s garage to get something on it fixed. I tell my husband, I am just going to have a quick bath before we go.

Our bathroom door never had a lock on it since we moved in and never really felt the need for it. My hubby would often come in for a chat while I took a bath and vice versa. This particular day though, was not like any other. I started to have a seizure in the bath! If he had not been there, I would have drowned and that would have been the end of me…however he held me and let the water go down the plug hole.

I was taken to hospital as he’d called an ambulance. They did a few checks like ‘what day is it?’, ‘who’s the prime minister?’ That kind of thing and said ‘everyone has at least one seizure in their life’ and sent me home.

Sadly, not long after, I had another seizure and one in the actual reception of A&E. They kept me in…I was there having numerous scans and tests, including a lumber puncture. The seizures began to become more frequent. I was moved to the National hospital in London for more tests and more scans. Seizures became 2-3 minutes apart and they wanted to put me into a coma. My hubby said he would think about and discuss it with my mum etc. He didn’t want to let them do it.

That evening they tried a new drug on me, it’s called Phenobarbital and is apparently the cheapest drug available. It completely changed me and began controlling the seizures!! I had a blood clot on the brain which was causing the seizures. My hubby said when the nurse came back to work that morning she said she was scared to look round the corner to my bed as she didn’t think I’d make it through the night!!  My poor family are the ones who suffered the most as I was ‘out of it’ most of time!

I am on medication for life but have been seizure free for 9 years roughly.  Of course I live with it at the back of my mind as you never know when you could have one , but I try and live my life as normal and continue to always do so.  I do not let it rule my life.  I am grateful for each day.

I hope I have not bored you all too much and my next post will be fast forward 20 years to 2019 and what a year I’ve had so far.

Christmas and weddings!

I have not written for quite a while and intend on making it a regular thing again…and am going to start with the obvious impending Christmas in a moment. However before I could even think about Christmas this year, have been planning my cousins wedding centrepieces for the tables and coming up with ideas. She had 2 functions to do them for, an Indian party and her formal wedding. The Indian wedding as was full of colour needed something that was simple yet effective. We looked and thought of many ideas and finally came up with bird cages with flowers in pink added along with gold butterflies to compliment my cousins outfit.


Then this weekend just gone we had the formal wedding and as is getting Christmassy now, she wanted to incorporate that into the centrepieces for that.  We went for wreaths with a candle and hurricane in the middle with some fresh flowers added at the end.  I think these looked quite good and was quite happy with the outcome.  Added some pine cones and mini baubles and berries in silver and white for the Christmas effect.


Now the wedding is over, on to my Christmas tree and decorating it! Got straight on to it the next day…I love my Christmas tree theme and feel in this world of grey that is everywhere, nice to have a bit of colour! I have some new additions this year to show the love of travel!! Found these in a local garden centre and good old Primark had the aeroplane and carry on luggage!!


Last week I also changed a garland that I was not happy with and changed it to how I thought it looked much nicer.  Hope you like it too!!



Is social media really social or just making social anxiety worse?

This is a question I have had in my mind for a while now.

As the mother of a teenage daughter suffering with social anxiety I have found myself hating social media and what it has become these days for young girls especially.

Yes, we all use ‘social media’ in some form or another and has become part of our lives whether we like it or not but does it have to be so cruel?!

First of all it began with Facebook where you became ‘friends’ with people you knew at least…now you can have anyone from anywhere in the world see your personal photos on Instagram and comment and like them as well…and on Twitter can give you’re opinion on just about anything you want to…sometimes those comments may be nice, but a lot of the time, putting these pictures and comments opens you up to getting abuse from total strangers (not that it’s ok from those who aren’t)…this is where the problem lies. Opinions are given on your looks, arguments and debates started regarding what you’ve said on Twitter etc etc … those that are famous get it more, everyone thinks because they are public figures, they have a right to pass judgement.

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Now I see how it effects people myself when I hear my daughter speak. She is never happy with how she looks although she’s beautiful. They all try and aspire to look like these air brushed pictures they see everywhere. THEY ARE NOT REAL. That’s not how they look when they wake up in the morning!!

I think ‘social media’ is actually alienising people from each other as this is the only form of conversation people seem to know now. By likes and comments. No one wants to pick up the phone and chat to their friends or see their friends, so can we really call it SOCIAL media??

love yourself



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The C word is over!! A bit of Paris beforehand though!

So all that waiting and anticipation we have for months and the dreaded ‘C’ word (Christmas!) is all over!!

All the tension before hand of getting the right present, making sure there is enough food for everyone (always end up having too much!) and then on the day the tension of making it all with not enough room in the oven for everything so timing is EVERYTHING!!

Well all done and dusted and time to relax! I do love this time of year though. It’s magical and this time last week I was in Paris and it was beautiful.
Did a lot of walking as you normally do on city breaks and took the big bus tour of the city. It was beautiful to see especially at night when all the Christmas lights were on.
The Christmas market down the Champs Élysées was wonderful to see. Everywhere so busy and the spirit of Christmas in all the shops.



And of course, the shopping!




Gratitude and Positivity

Just a quick post for the day – a thought for the day really – be grateful for all the things you have in life rather than focus on what you do not have.
I am so lucky to have my family, a wonderful home and love in it. Lucky to be alive to feel this gratefulness and love.
Have a good day all and look at what you have around you that makes you feel good…

Dubai 2014

So as was half term last week and to continue the birthday celebrations we went to Dubai!!!

This was our fourth visit there and we went for 4 days, 5 nights…

We have done most of the ‘touristy’ things before, like the desert safari twice and once even did the helicopter ride over Dubai which I think was the most awesome.
This time we went up the Burj Khalifa. Last time we went, we left the day before it opened!!

Amazing views from up there…I read that the best time to up is an hour before sunset, which we did.
Also booked tickets online a month before the day we went up. It’s cheaper that way rather than paying on the day and at least you will be guaranteed tickets for the time you want. That time gets very busy and are normally sold out as most people want to go up at that time.

We stayed up there for about an hour and a half and then saw the sunset and watch it get darker and the street lights eye come on…

We had a fantastic time for all 4 days we were there and my daughter has lived it there since she was 5 years old!!

We didn’t want to leave. The weather was still hot and dry. Around 35 degrees Celsius daily. Still in the 30s in the evenings but didn’t find this too uncomfortable.
Infact I love going out when it’s still warm in the evening. Nothing better!!

Oh well, back to reality now!! Sadly !





The BIG 40!!!

So yesterday I turned the BIG 40!!
People asking how I feel…

I feel no different to the day before! As we don’t with all birthdays. When we turned 11 after 10, still felt the same…I certainly don’t feel 10 however!

I feel very content and happy with my life though and am happy to be 40 and to be alive and be with my family.
Will have celebrations all weekend long and this is what life is all about.

Met up for coffee with a long lost friend today. Haven’t seen eachother for years and now our daughters are at the same school!! Great catching up for a good chat.

So now looking forward to my Michael Kors bag which is on its way and our holiday at the end of the month!!

Life is great at 40!!

Last day tomorrow in my Thirties!!!

Well, I thought I would write slightly from a more personal angle as I reflect and enter my forties this week….

I was asked yesterday how I was feeling and felt slightly confused at first at the question and had to ask ‘how do you mean?’ as I have not been unwell lately…they replied ‘well only a few days left in your thirties!!’

Until that moment I hadn’t even thought of it that way!! I am not thinking of it in any kind of milestone way, just an excuse to celebrate and have special, quality time with my family!!

I am a very positive person and have a very good outlook on life. Life has made me think this way. I appreciate every single day I am alive. I am grateful for my family and everything we have….

Many long stories in my life that I may share soon as I enter a new chapter, which have made me the way I am…

So here’s looking forward to many more years with all my loved ones!!

Last day of my thirties tomorrow!!!